CHILDREN OF DIVORCE SHARE THEIR STORIES
As many as 1 million children every year are left with divorced families and are forced to make drastic changes to their lives.
Forty percent to 60 percent of all first marriages end in divorce, and the percentage is even higher for second marriages, according to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Furthermore, the majority of those divorces occur in families with children younger than 18. The Indiana Family Institute estimates about 25,000 divorces occur every year in the state.
Unfortunately, many of these kids from divorced homes do not have anyone to turn to for advice, nor do they know the best way to cope with the changes.
To find out what local kids have to say about their personal experiences with divorce, Y-Press interviewed four of its own team members: Adrienne McLean, 17; Chad Dyar, 17; Michal McDowell, 16; and Keenen Brannon, 12.
ASSISTANT EDITOR: Rebecca Salois, 16.REPORTERS: Taylor Sharp, 11; Julia Moeller, 10; Utah Davis-Kinsey, 11; Reginetta White, 12.
Adrienne McLean, 17: My parents have been divorced since I was 2, so I haven't really known anything different. You go through a point wondering about the divorce where you kind of blame yourself, but it's not anything like that. It's definitely between the (parents).
For the longest time, I always thought that my parents would get back together. Then I let go of that dream, and now I feel like: 'OK, I have a different family,' and it's fine with me.
A positive impact of my parents' divorce is that when I get mad at my mom, I can call my dad. When I get mad at my dad, I can call my mom. Sometimes one of them's going to be on my side and one's not. And so I have that reinforcement that maybe it's gonna work out. If they were living together, maybe they would be on the same side and I'd lose. Sometimes I win (a disagreement with a parent) this way."
Advice to kids:Try to be strong. It's OK to cry. It's OK to be mad. It's OK to be sad. Everybody goes through it. But in the end, it's gonna probably end up being better because you don't want people who fight all the time to be living together. It's not healthy for anybody.
You don't have to like your stepparents. You don't necessarily have to be their friend. You don't have to call them Mom or Dad, but you have to respect them and respect your parent's decision in being with them. And if that's what makes them happy, then you should be happy for them."
Advice to parents: "Sit your kids down, talk to them about the divorce, tell them what's going on. Be honest. Don't try to sugarcoat it. Let (your kids) know what the issue is, what is really going on -- if it's appropriate. Be honest, because telling kids only half the story is probably gonna hurt them more later when they find out (the whole story)."
Chad Dyar, 17: "It was a good decision for my parents to divorce. They threatened each other with it for five or six years.
"My dad got the fastest divorce in the state, in 30 days, which is pretty much unheard of. My mom bought a house impulsively in Carmel. I'm still not actually used to living in two houses. It's difficult. I never know where anything is or at what house.
"My dad remarried in September. My stepmom's a really nice lady. She's from South Africa. I enjoy her company. She helps me out with a lot of things. She calms my dad down a lot of times.
"(If my parents got back together) I think it'd be a very negative experience. I usually live with my mom. I'm supposed to go to my dad's house every other weekend, but I rarely do.
"(Because of the divorce), I'm a lot more independent, and I definitely am able to make logical decisions without the effects of emotion. I don't really believe in (counseling), so I just worked with my school, kept on doing the stuff that I was doing, because I didn't want my parents' problems to affect my life. I saw this opportunity as a way to get all my finances for college, lunch money, car money and car insurance worked out. I got my parents to confront those issues and bargained between the two parents."
Advice to kids: "I'd say that (blaming yourself) is ridiculous, and it's not your fault and you should move on and focus on what responsibilities you have to other people. Continue to follow through with your own responsibilities and let your parents work this out.
"Don't let your parents get you in the middle of things. It's really easy to get stuck in a situation where you don't know who to believe. Be true to yourself and stick to your own ideals; stick to your own responsibilities."
Advice to parents: "(Make the decision) as a last family meeting. My parents did it separately, and it was just a mess. Kids should have a say in it. The family should get together as an entity and make those last decisions just like a business filing for bankruptcy."
Michal McDowell, 16: "My parents divorced when I was 2. I live with my mom for the school year. I go to my dad's during the summer and once a month on the weekend. He lives in Dallas, Texas, and my mom lives in Indianapolis. It would completely change my life if they got back together.
"I'm really happy to live with my mom and my dad, and we have happy households in both homes. Just because a home is broken doesn't mean it's no longer a home; you form new homes.
"My mom's engaged, and my dad dates. I'm perfectly fine with it. As long as they're happy, I'm happy.
"It's important for parents to consult with their children (before they remarry), because it's going to be a big change in their child's life as well. I think my mom should ask me before she gets remarried, but I told her that I love her fiance."
Advice to kids: "It's really important to develop a strong relationship with both parents.
"It's always good to have an adult mentor, because sometimes the parents aren't always gonna be there (for you) when they're going through hard times of their own."
Advice to parents: "I would tell the parents that they have to be mature around the children and not say anything bad about the other parent to the child because it really messes the child up.
"Parents should never fight in front of their children. It's never, ever good to argue within the vicinity of the child because that's very painful.
"I think that the key point is communication between the parents. And part of the communication between parents is also communicating with their children."
Keenen Brannon, 12: "I was about 6 or 7 when my parents divorced. I'm still not used to it. One of my friends had both of his parents living together, and I felt jealous. I miss living with my dad and my mom. I'm still kind of mad at them for not sticking together and raising me as both parents.
"I think the reasons that they split apart aren't really reasonable. And I think they should come back together one day.
"Now I live with my mom. I see my dad every once in a while, though. Every time I see my dad, I spend a week or sometimes a few months with him.
"The good thing about the divorce is that I don't have to hear any more fights going on around the house all the time. I don't think my father is happier since the divorce, but I think my mother is."
"They both still treat me the same. Both have the same rules, and they want me to clean up around the house and everything. I think it helps having the same rules with both parents."
Advice to kids: "Don't blame yourself for the divorce because it's really not your fault, and go on.
"Keep in contact with both your parents, even though both of them aren't living with you.
"Ask older brothers and sisters or stepbrothers and sisters to help you out. They help you understand better because they might have already been through a similar experience if you have different fathers or different mothers.
"Try to get along with the person (your parent) is with. Don't be mad at them just because they're with your mom or your dad."
Advice to parents: "Tell your kids that the divorce isn't their fault, and try to help them deal with it better. Involve the kids in the decisions that need to be made about the divorce because they are gonna be affected by the changes, too."
Originally published 6-4-06
Copyright 2006 Y-Press