GAY TEENS STRUGGLE FOR ACCEPTANCE

Coming out tests bonds with friends and family

"Boys are icky," Alexa Farmer said to her mom in the car one afternoon when the subject of guys came up a couple of years ago. "Well, do you like girls?" her mother asked in the same joking way.

"Yeah," said Alexa, turning serious. She suddenly felt scared and wanted to jump out of the car.

They were both quiet, and then Alexa's mother looked at her, expecting her daughter to say it was just a joke.

"No, I'm serious," said Alexa, who is now 18. "I do like girls. I love girls."

This is how the Center Grove student revealed that she was a lesbian. It was the beginning of her journey of trying to explain herself and her sexuality to her family and friends.

To homosexual youth, the experience of revealing their sexuality to their families can range from entering into a new understanding with their loved ones to dealing with their complete shock and disapproval.

"My mom was pretty accepting," Alexa said. "It took her a little bit to realize: 'Oh, she's gay.' But now she's cool with it."

But it was different with her father. She told him during family therapy, but it was not without difficulty.

"He immediately started crying, talking about Judgment Day, and I mean, my dad has never cried," Alexa said.

"Now he just avoids the topic altogether. He will never mention the fact that I'm gay."

Alexa's father believes homosexuality is a sin, and he's tried to bring her back to his church to prevent her from remaining gay, she said.

According to "The New Gay Teenager," a book by Cornell University Professor Ritch C. Savin-Williams (Harvard University Press, 2005), the average gay teen comes out before entering high school or right after high school. About 5 percent of American high school students -- or 750,000 students nationwide -- identify as being lesbian or gay, according to a 2004 national poll by the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN).

Trent Nauth, 18, decided to come out to his mother because he hoped that it would make their relationship more open.

"She kind of flipped out, (and) didn't really like hearing such things," he said. Trent's mother kicked him out of the house. His dad, divorced from Trent's mom, has been more accepting.

"He was just, like, 'Play it safe.' Now we have even a closer relationship than before," Trent said.

Now living with his grandparents, Trent wouldn't recommend that other gay teens reveal their orientation to others.

"You're gonna have so much negative stuff directed toward you," Trent said. "If you're happy where you're at now, just stop and think about it."

For Jason Hughes, 16, coming out to his parents was stressful, but ultimately the right thing for him to do. He sat his parents down in their bedroom and said: "Mom and Dad, I think I'm gay. What are your views on that?"

First, they were silent; then they both started to cry.

"They told me that they loved me no matter what, and they needed to get back to me in a few days after they'd researched it and knew more things about this 'cause this was brand new to them," Jason said.

Now, they're accepting of Jason's homosexuality and are curious to learn more about it and know who he's dating.

One place that helps lesbian, gay, bisexual and transsexual youth -- or young people questioning their sexual identity -- is the Indiana Youth Group, a safe house in Indianapolis that offers support services and a recreation center.

"It's just a lot of fun. You can hang out, be with friends, be with people like you. There's a lot of things to get involved in, like a film project going on right now," said Alexa.

"IYG kind of gives me a place to go," said Josh Crane, 18. "If I hadn't gotten involved in programming like the sex, dating and relationship discussions, there's a lot I wouldn't know. There's a lot covered about safety and protection."

At the IYG center, Y-Press interviewed Alexa, a senior at Center Grove High School; Josh, who graduated last spring from Zionsville High School; and Trent, a senior at Danville High School. Jason, a sophomore at Zionsville High School, also was interviewed. Each teenager talked about how his or her life has changed since coming out.

All agreed they've encountered plenty of animosity. Each has put up with name-calling and people -- teachers and students -- condemning their sexual orientation.

In a 2003 National School Climate Survey by GLSEN, four out of five LGBT students hear anti-gay remarks in their schools regularly, and 39 percent reported being verbally or physically assaulted.

"I hear fag or 'That's so gay,' like 80 times a day, and you know, I really hate the use of fag," said Alexa. "I've just started saying 'That's so straight,' because I've decided straight people are much more boring than gay people.

Still, she tried to keep the name-calling in perspective. Kids who aren't gay get teased plenty in high school, too, she said.

Josh has endured his fair share of gay slurs.

"I would just stop people and ask them why they said that. . . . They never put it together that someone might be gay and hear that and feel something," he said.

Alexa and Josh founded a chapter of the Gay Straight Alliance at their respective schools in order to provide support, education and resources for and about gay teens.

Some school districts nationwide, including Franklin Township, have tried to stop the formation of Gay Straight Alliance chapters at their high schools. But repeatedly, courts have upheld the group's right to form and be active.

Currently, there are more than 3,000 GSA chapters registered with the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network.

Writing about the topic of teenage homosexuality recently caused controversy for one Indiana school district. Last month, Megan Chase, a sophomore at Woodlan Junior-Senior High School in Fort Wayne, wrote her first school newspaper editorial calling for tolerance of homosexuals. She wrote the piece after a friend disclosed that he was gay.

Now, Principal Edwin Yoder said he needs to OK all future editions of the newspaper before publication. The newspaper's adviser and students contacted the Student Press Law Center, an advocacy group for student newspapers, which advised them to appeal the principal's decision. The superintendent asked that the students meet with the assistant superintendent to discuss the principal's request.

(To read the student editorial, go to: www.fortwayne.com/mld/journalgazette/16747287.htm.)

Local students say they've lost friends because of their decision to come out. Jason's on the school swim team and worried what teammates and their families would think. Once, he walked up to a bunch of the swimmers joking about him being a "homo." As soon as they saw him, they apologized.

One teammate contacted Jason later to say: "I'm gonna stand up for you, and it does not bother me at all." From that point on, Jason said he's been treated like every other member of the team.

Trent says if people rejected him when they found out he was gay, they were never his friends.

"I pick my friends wisely. (Being gay has) showed me who my true friends are."

ASSISTANT EDITORS: Katie McDowell, 14; Becky Buchanan-Schwanke, 15; and Rachel Troy, 17.