"It's like living in the shadow of how I used to be."

Barbara Penrod, 16, a student at Lawrence Central High School, has obsessive-compulsive disorder. It affects about 1 million U.S. children, according to the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill.

"An obsession is an unwanted thought that you think about constantly," Barbara said. "And a compulsion is something that you do to rid yourself of that thought, to rid yourself of that obsession."

According to the alliance, some common obsessions are with cleanliness, illness and the need for symmetry. Some common compulsions are repetitive cleaning, repeating or arranging.

About a year ago, Barbara noticed that she was becoming obsessed with certain people.

"When a new person comes into my life who I find very admirable, that's the kind of person I become obsessed with," she said. She talked to her family doctor, who said she was exhibiting obsessive-compulsive symptoms.

Mary Kinney, 12, a student at St. Joan of Arc/St. Patrick School in Kokomo, also has the disorder; she often repeats what she says.

"It's like you have two consciences. One is saying that you don't have to repeat it, it sounds just fine. But the other one is saying that you need to keep saying it again, otherwise the whole world's gonna end," she said.

Mary fights other compulsions, as well. "I walk over rugs about 10 times. I (used) to go all the way across the rugs, and my ankles had to be touching the whole time, and if that didn't work, I had to go back and start all over again. . . . With cabinets, I would just be slamming them over and over again, and it'd break them."

Her mother diagnosed Mary's symptoms when she was younger.

"When I would play with my dolls, I would have them say things over and over," Mary said. "And one day my mom asked me what was going on, and I was telling her, 'If my right hand does something, my left hand has to do (something else).' "

Barbara estimates she spends eight to 10 hours a day thinking about the target of her obsession.

"It gets really crazy. Like my entire life revolves around the same person," she explained.

It especially interferes with schoolwork. Barbara tends to count the words in a sentence, slowing her down on tests, she said. Mary can't concentrate when other people make noise, and she used to go through a certain ritual when doing her work.

"I would have to read the questions out loud and repeat them, and then I'd have to do this little snort thing with my nose," she said.

After being diagnosed, both Barbara and Mary say their self-esteem was compromised.

"Another one of my obsessions is making sure that everyone likes me all the time. It doesn't work because no one's ever going to like you all of the time. . . . It really is a blow to your self-esteem when you realize that," Barbara said.

Mary felt an overwhelming sense of isolation.

"I was thinking that I was the only person in the world who had this because I had never even heard of OCD," she said.

Mary's adjustment was made easier when she found out that one of her teachers had it.

"I have told some kids because they ask me, 'Why are you doing that?' At first they kind of made a little bit fun of me because I would repeat myself, but after a while they stopped. Most people have gotten used to it, and I don't do it that much since I take my medicine every day."

One of Mary's friends also tries to help her control her urges. "She noticed my hair pulling, and she always says, 'You got to stop that.' She's really supportive of me."

Barbara has not found a lot of acceptance among her peers, so she doesn't tell a lot of people about her condition.

"They'll go, 'Oh God, she's the crazy one!' which really drives me crazy," she said.

But she has found support in one friend who also has been diagnosed.

"That helps a lot because I have someone to talk to."

Barbara feels she has received the most support from an online group, OCD Teen.

"Whenever you have like a problem or just need to talk, you just send an e-mail, and the whole group gets it. And you get so many replies, and it makes me feel a lot better," she said.

Mary receives a great deal of support from her family, although her brother "would kind of taunt me about it," she said.

Medication and behavior therapy often can help. Medication that increases the level of serotonin in the body often eases OCD symptoms and decreases anxiety. Behavior therapy can help sufferers learn to cope with their anxieties and resist compulsions.

Mary said medication has helped, and she is looking forward to attending a support group.

Barbara hasn't been as fortunate. Medications haven't worked for her, and she has had trouble finding the right therapist.

"I'm still going downhill. I just got put on a new anti-depressant," she said. "If I'm not on medication and I'm not getting the behavior therapy, I think that I'm going to be in the same mind-set forever."

But she's not giving up. She has found a simple way to ease her obsessions: "Just keeping yourself busy will help a little bit. I like to baby-sit a lot."

Because the disorder is thought to be hereditary, Barbara has decided not to have children. Mary isn't sure.

"It's really hard to understand what my mom does to take care of me," Mary said. "Having OCD, you can really, really hurt yourself, and I have hurt myself, and I'm afraid that my kids would hurt themselves."

Both Mary and Barbara wish people would be more understanding of those who suffer from mental disorders.

"I want to get rid of the stigma that's attached to mental illnesses," said Barbara, who is on the advisory board for Junior Mental Health Association in Indiana.

"We are just like every other person in the world," Mary added. "There are many people who have OCD, and there are many people who have other disabilities. No one is perfect."

REPORTERS: Zachary Bell, 13; Izaak Hayes, 12; Keisha Mitchell, 14; Abby Rivin, 13.