Grandparents offer joys, challenges

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NAME — Cassyetta Price
AGE — 18

NAME — Paige Thomas
AGE — 18

GRANDPARENTS OFFER JOYS, CHALLENGES

Children find different expectations when being raised by Grandma and Grandpa

January 22, 2006

By Cassyetta Price, 15, Paige Thomas, 15

What do actor Samuel L. Jackson, rapper 50 Cent (Curtis Jackson) and mathematician Sir Isaac Newton have in common?

All were raised by their grandparents.

And they aren't alone, according to Megan Dolbin-MacNab, a marriage and family therapist and human development professor at Virginia Tech who has done extensive research on grandparents raising grandchildren.

Dolbin-MacNab says 4.5 million children, or 6.3 percent of all children in the United States, are being raised by their grandparents. That number increased 30 percent between 1990 and 2000.

Dolbin-MacNab began studying the relationships between grandparents and grandchildren who live together when she was a graduate student at Purdue University. In a recent phone interview, she said she was motivated by her own relationship with her grandparents.

"When I was a kid, I lived with my parents, but my grandmother and my grandfather took care of me when my parents went to work. I was at my grandparents' house every day from breakfast till about dinnertime, and then I spent the summers with them because both of my parents had to work full time. So I personally have always thought that grandparents are really important people in families."

While pursuing her Ph.D. at Purdue, Dolbin-MacNab worked as a family therapist and counseled several grandparents and grandchildren. "By doing therapy with them, I started to be more interested in finding ways to help grandparents and particularly to help grandkids get along better and to have better relationships," she added.

According to Dolbin-MacNab, early research focused on grandparents and how they felt. Now more researchers are interested in how the grandchildren are doing.

For her most recent study, Dolbin-MacNab talked with 52 grandparents and grandkids about their relationships with each other.

"I'm trying to understand what grandkids think about living with their grandparents, and I'm trying to understand how to help grandkids be the best they can when they go to live with their grandparents. Since grandchildren sometimes have problems before they go to live with their grandparents as a result of some of their parents' behavior, we want to find out how to help grandkids do better," she said.

Kids live with their grandparents for a variety of reasons, according to Dolbin-MacNab.

"Most of them have something to do with some type of a problem that the grandchildren's parents are having," such as divorce or drug or alcohol abuse. In addition, grandparents often step in when a parent "just takes off," is in jail or has died, or when there is abuse or neglect in the home.

Three local teenagers recently talked about their experiences living with their grandparents. Justin Suber, 17, and his sister, Shayla Walker, 14, have lived with their grandparents for nine years. "My mom was going through some personal things, so she couldn't necessarily take care of us to the best of her ability. So we were handed over to our grandparents and they took custody," said Justin.

Valerie Price, 18, and her sister have lived with their grandparents for 14 years. "My mother, she's deceased, and my father is incarcerated," she said.

All agree that they feel much love and support from their grandparents. However, they do believe their grandparents have different rules and expectations from many of their peers' parents.

For one, they say their grandparents are stricter compared to other parents.

"They try to raise you like they raised their children, which was like way, way back," Valerie said.

For example, their grandparents emphasize good conduct. "I've learned how to be respectful and use my manners," Justin said.

They also can be more old-fashioned in their views on clothes. "She likes that old stuff, and I don't like that," Shayla explained.

Sometimes grandparents don't allow children to do things that many parents let their kids do. "When I was younger, I felt different 'cause most girls would do sleepovers and stuff like that. I never did a sleepover," said Valerie. "But now, it's easier. (I) make sure I come in on curfew. If I don't, then there are consequences. It's cool."

Justin and Shayla say their grandparents' rules are reasonable. "I can go to movies and stuff like that . . . but not like off-the-wall stuff like going to parties and staying out late," said Shayla.

None of them has ever been teased about living with their grandparents. However, sometimes they feel a little self-conscious about it.

"It's not so much that I'm embarrassed. I don't know, I'd just rather have somebody younger to go with me" to some events, Shayla said.

Valerie knows the feeling. "It used to be kind of like that (for me) in a way, but I grew into it. . . . It's just you feel kind of out of place 'cause you have an older guardian or something like that."

She feels differently now. "I like when they yell for me at performances and stuff. Man, I like that."

These three teens feel comfortable with older people. "Most of the time when I'm hanging around my grandparents' friends is when I'm in church, and I'm in church a lot. So I don't really feel out of place when I'm talking to them or hanging around them, so it's cool," said Justin.

"Hanging around" older people has had an additional advantage for Valerie. "I want to be a geriatric nurse anyway, and that's dealing with older people, so that's like one of the benefits. It doesn't matter to me. I like talking to older people. They use wit and it's a lot of fun to have them cracking me up."

The teens agree that the advantage of living with your grandparents is you grow up with great experiences, but in different ways than kids who live with their parents. And they are not alone.

"I got a couple of friends that live with their grandparents, and it's pretty much the same story," Justin said.

Justin and Shayla have mentors with Big Brothers Big Sisters of Central Indiana, and see their mother regularly. But Valerie's parents are gone from her life. "I believe I missed out on the real deal of a mother and father," she said.

However, she is grateful to her grandparents.

"It is an honor because grandparents pick up where parents left off," Valerie said. "There's a reason why I live with my grandparents. Maybe I think (my grandmother's) protecting me so that whatever happened to my mother won't happen to me."

REPORTERS: Taylor Sharp, 11; Joi Officer, 11.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Editor Cassyetta Price is the sister of Valerie Price.

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