STRICT OR PERMISSIVE?

Both types work

By Laura Mangan, 14; Becky Mangan, 13; Missy Patterson, 16; Ariana Gainer, 13; and Kaitlin Payne, 15, Y-Press

John Colbert, an Indianapolis father of 10, says it's time parents take charge.

"Kids walk over their parents, but I blame that on the parents. The parents aren't being parents.

"Parents need to have more tough love," says Colbert, whose children are home schooled.

Amy Weaver, a licensed mental health counselor and mother of two, echoes Colbert's opinion. She's taught parenting classes and been a counselor for several years, now in her home of Seymour, Ind.

"I've seen responsibility just handed over to the young people," she says. "What they want goes, and I think that's a disservice to young people."

A Y-Press team interviewed five parents, and seven fellow Y-Press members. Interviewees expressed their opinions on permissive vs. authoritative parenting.

Overly permissive parenting is not just a phenomenon in Indianapolis, it's debated nationally too.

For example, Dr. Phil McGraw devoted a segment of his advice show to the topic. His NBC show is the second highest rated daytime talk show in the nation. It's on Monday-Friday on WTHR 13 at 3 p.m.

One mother on the show allowed her sixth-grader to drink and smoke, but didn't consult Dr. Phil for advice until after she found out her 13-year-old daughter was also having sex and smoking pot.

He told her off: "You don't allow children to make adult decisions… Accept responsibility and learn to say no. Get involved and set boundaries."

But not all media present permissive parenting as bad.

The successful TV show and Emmy winner, Gilmore Girls, which ran for seven seasons from 2000-2007, focuses on Lorelai Gilmore, a young single permissive mother raising her teenage daughter, Rory, in a small town. Lorelai did not set many boundaries for Rory, yet the mother and daughter shared a strong bond, and Rory grew into a smart, responsible young woman.

Cathy Mangan points out that authoritative parenting isn't the best answer for many families.

"In many cases, parents cling to their children," says the 17-year-old, who has nine siblings. "They are afraid to let them make their own choices.

"For example, I have some friends who struggle with rebellion because they are not allowed to date, even if they are 18. Their relationship with their parents becomes strained. Kids, especially teenage youth, need to learn how to set personal boundaries."

Jennifer Eastwick has three children, each with an autism spectrum disorder, which means they have varying degrees of social and communication impairments.

Eastwick doesn't think parenting today is necessarily more permissive, just more democratic.

"I've tried to include the kids in on the decision-making process as soon as they were able to think critically and express their thoughts," she says, adding that she believes it's important to listen and consider their opinions and beliefs.

Colbert, whose children have an age range of 9 to 23, disagrees.

"You've got to have a tight rein from the very get go," he says. He's noticed that if parents are too permissive when the kids are little, it's usually too late to make them obedient teenagers.

But Eastwick doesn't see her approach as being too easy on her kids.

"Some good effects from letting my children make a lot of choices are that they are less likely to feel that they have no control over their lives. Helping them to learn how to make good choices is critical in helping prepare them for all the times they are not with me, and must make choices on their own."

Kids also must be nurtured to be responsible, parents agree.

"Don't do for your children what they can do for themselves," says Weaver. "Nurturing allows your children to make a mistake, so they can either learn from their successes for their failures without judgment.

That means setting clear boundaries. Teach children WHAT to do, instead of what NOT to do, she says

When Weaver's children were old enough to reach the stove, she showed them how to use it properly and safely.

Other boundaries, such as curfew, dating and housework rules, should be consistent and clear, as should the consequences for violating them, Weaver says.

And kids need to know why the rules have been set, she adds. For example, the Weavers won't allow their daughter to date until she's 16. That's because if something goes wrong, she can drive away to escape.

As she's preparing to go away to college, Danielle Wolowec, 18, knows she'll use some of the skills she's learned from her parents' discipline methods.

"Growing up, I did not agree with everything they did," says the former Y-Press member. "But now I realize how many things were for the better.

"For example, since I have had a 'set of wheels,' I have not had a nightly curfew. Rather each night before I go out, my parents let me know what time they want me home. With this, I was able to learn respect for my parents and the importance of promptness."

Colbert is clear cut on his views about discipline – particularly for young children.

"I'm a firm believer in spanking. That's what God gave them a bottom for. It's a sharp, quick punishment, but then it's over."

A spanking also makes it clear to the child who is the boss, he says.

"If every time a child has a little cry or a whim and you give in to them, then all they've learned is that they can manipulate you and walk all over you. You're supposed to be the one in charge of the children."

Eastwick says she's found time outs work best for her family.

"A timeout is probably the most effective when children are just completely out of line. And it's effective because children don't like 'losing it.'

" They don't need someone berating them. They need to just have a minute to sit down and get it back together on their own. Using timeouts is probably the best strategy to help children help themselves."

Julie and Ron Carpenter have worked together to set boundaries for their blended family. Julie was divorced and had two children when she met Ron, who was a widower. They also had one child together, and have been married about 10 years.

"Boundaries have been uniquely tested by all of our kids and we deal with each episode accordingly, remaining consistent with our guidelines and priorities," says Julie. "Our priorities are family first, school second, chores/work third, extracurricular activities fourth, social relationships fifth."

All those interviewed agree that parenting can be especially challenging because each child is different.

"What you might try to push or instill in one child won't necessarily work for another child," Colbert says. "My wife and I talk to each other and pray about it and set boundaries according to the individual child."

"I have five brothers and four sisters, and my mom always says that each kid is different," Cathy agrees. For example, she had difficulty respecting and obeying her mom from ages 12-15. But other children in the family have challenged her parents at different ages and stages, she says.

The Carpenters say that recognizing kids as individuals also means helping each child figure out what makes him or her special, and nurturing and capitalizing on those traits.

Colbert notes how he tries to take each of his children out alone on their birthdays for lunch or dinner with dad. He often brings along a special present meant just for that child and gives him or her undivided attention.

Ron Carpenter points out that the parents' relationship with one another is another part of good child rearing.

"I think what helps is to have a good relationship with your spouse," Ron says, adding that plenty of single parents do great jobs, but it's important for all parents to recognize child rearing can't be done without help.

"To be successful, you have to be in partnerships – partnering with teachers, maybe churches, friends or others – 'cause you can't raise a child alone."

Colbert and his wife helped raise their nephew when he was little. He believes in helping families who are struggling, too.

"Not only just as parents, but as Christians, we have to be that light and shine for someone that may need it…Just one little act of kindness we may not think is much, but it may make a world of difference in somebody's life."

Weaver points out that sons and daughters can be so fun that it's a shame to take parenting too seriously.

"Don't sweat the small stuff," she says. "If you're chilled, you're able to see in your children what they really can do, and it can blow your mind if you sit and take the time to watch."

Copyright 2008 Y-Press

Analyzing their own families, Y-Press youth suggest these traits of good parenting:

Accessibility

"Parents should spend a lot of time with their kids," says Aaron Johnson, 11.

Added Cathy Mangan, 17: "If I have children in the future, I will try to develop a similar relationship to the one my parents and I share. Our relationship is very open. We share our feelings, dreams, goals,grief, and joy."

Honesty

"There's nothing worse than parents who lie to their kids about stuff 'cause eventually the kid will find out, and it will just make him resentful," says Izaak Hayes, 17.

Responsibility

"Good parents know how to take care of their family and stuff," says Charlie Osborne, 11.

Cathy notes that sacrifice often comes with parental responsibility: "My mom really wanted to have a good career, but then when she had kids, it was so time consuming that she ended up not working 'cause she wanted to be there for us."

Fairness

"My brother's more of a tattle tale, and my mom listens to him a lot more than she does to me because he's littler than me and cries a lot," says Moira Corcoran, 11.

Aaron has his own beefs about favoritism: "They take my allowance away a lot more frequently than they do with my sister or brother," he says. "They take away my video game privileges more frequently, and I have to do a lot more work around the house."

Flexibility

"They're somewhat strict, yet lenient. A lot of it can be contradictory. They're your parent, but also your friend. They give you freedom, but know when to draw the line," says Navya Kumar, 16.

"I think a lot of parenting is just gaining experience as you go," adds Izaak. "I think it's safe to say that a lot of parents set out with a plan, but as they realize things don't always work exactly how they would expect them, they adapt to that."

High Expectations

"My parents have inspired me because they're the kind of people who make me try everything again and again until I get it right," says Moira.

Adds Navya: "My parents have always placed really high standards of excellence. They've told me that I'm going to do well, and I don't have a chance to fail. They're immigrants, and they came from India. The fact that they did that makes me realize how easy I have it and how much better life is for me right now."

"My parents have inspired me to want to get a good education, participate in sports and activities like Y-Press," notes Charlie.

Kids can't wait

Not all parenting in Indiana is permissive or even authoritative. Too many parents abuse their kids, say child welfare advocates.

In 2006, more than 84,000 Indiana children were reported as victims of child abuse and neglect; 53 died. Preventing this kind of abuse in the future is why people who support families have established a new initiative called Indiana Kids Can't Wait.

Kids Can't Wait brings together people from various groups that interact with children, such as schools, faith organizations and public health groups. They are working on strategies to help hurting parents get help before they abuse or neglect their children. To find out about these initiatives, go to http://www.indianakidscantwait.org/. The site has a lot of information for parents and for organizations that help parents.

 

 

How to help parents, grandparents or other relatives raising children:

• Offer to babysit
• Double up your dinner recipe, and drop off a casserole
• Offer to run errands to such places as the pharmacy, grocery store or post office
• Offer to drive their carpool shift
• Share information about service referrals, such as child care, camps and employment prospects
• Extend invitations to play dates and other opportunities to spend time with other parents
• Give gifts that facilitate family time together, such as museum or pool passes
• Support their children's education by tutoring them
• Remind yourself and others that it's a sign of strength to ask for help
• Offer a monthly night out to a single parent by caring for the children
• How to be supportive of families in the community
• Ask your child's teacher to link you with a child who needs additional support
• Volunteer as a committee member for your local youth services program
• Contribute to a youth scholarship fund
• Donate new games or sports equipment to an after–school program or recreational center
• Consider becoming a mentor, foster parent or adoptive parent

Sources: National Foster Parent Association and Prevent Child Abuse Indiana