SEEKING COMFORT

Three teen-agers share their experiences with grief.

Support groups

Rainbow Seekers, a program sponsored by St. Vincent Stress Center, helps 5- to 11-year old kids cope with the death of a loved one. Six discussion group sessions deal with topics like memories, coping, family sharing and self-esteem.

For teens, St. Vincent Stress Center offers Building Bridges. A one-day seminar teaches participants about grief and explores their feelings.

For information about both these programs, contact Ann Reddy at (317) 338-4008.

If your parent was sick, you'd have to take on many more responsibilities. Your parent might worry about what will happen to you when they die.

You'd feel sad, too, and look for solace and comfort. We talked with three kids, each one who can relate to this feeling. Each one has had a parent recently die, and they have found support groups to help deal with grief.

Locally, St. Vincent's Hospice is one such group. In Indianapolis in 1993, the hospice cared for 259 patients and their families.

One of the teen-agers we interviewed says a hospice is a caring organization that helps people who are terminally ill die or live comfortably for the rest of their lives. The organization helps the patient and their families accept what is going on.

Judith Kinney's father, Mark, died last March. He had lymphoma, a form of cancer. We interviewed Judith at our office.

Annie Cascella's father, John, was the keyboard player for John Mellencamp's band. He died from a heart attack in November 1992. We interviewed Annie at her home in Indianapolis. She now works as a volunteer with young children helping them deal with grief.

Amanda Peterson volunteered to help her terminally ill grandmother, who was supported by a hospice program. We interviewed Amanda by phone at her home in Missoula, Mont.

Judith Kinney, 16

"It was sad. In February, I think, my dad sat us down. We had supper, and our minister was over (at our house) and my grandparents were (there).

"(His doctors) gave him the news that he was going to have six months to live (just) a month before he died. He got real sick after they told him that. And he didn't even live a month after that.

"He never let the thought of him dying get him down. He never let the thought of him dying get us down. He always wanted to make sure that we knew that he still loved us and that we were still a family.

"And we always wanted to make sure he knew that he was still the greatest father and that we still loved him.

"(Before he got sick) we did a lot of things together. He helped me write a lot. I did a lot of essays 'cause I was in a bunch of enriched classes, and he was always there and always helped me. We went out a lot, and we just did things, and we'd go out to movies as a family.

"Ever since he got sick, my grades (fell). My concentration just went down. Because when he got sick, that's all I thought about: `Is he OK? Is he gonna make it? Is he gonna die? Is he gonna get well? What's he doing now? Is he OK now? Is he getting sick now? How's the chemotherapy going?' . . .

"He died at home and we cried. All we could do was cry. And every ounce of energy that was in us was drained. And we were just standing there crying. There was nothing we could do.

"If we would have known that it was only gonna be a month, I'm sure that I would have done more, we would've been around more. It was almost like we didn't want to face reality.

"I didn't fully understand how sick he was. Now that I do, I wish I could do it all over again, because I would be there right by his side. I would be there taking care of him, getting what he needed, helping him walk through the house. I feel guilty because I didn't really understand. I wish I would have.

"I never told (my friends) because I don't like to hear `I'm sorry.' I don't like to hear, `I feel bad for you.'

"I like to hear, `I understand.' I just like someone to be able to listen.

"Some people are like, `Well, you should be over it.'

"No, you shouldn't be over it. You're not supposed to be over it because grieving takes two to three years. Some teachers don't understand and some friends don't understand. (They think) everything should be going back to normal. You should be able to do this, you should be able to do that.

"School gets in the way sometimes. When you go to school you have to think, listen, take notes, do homework, walk through the hallways and look at people. They just say you have to apply yourself and keep yourself busy.

"But when I went to the grieving session (at the support group, Building Bridges) they said that's not true. Sometimes keeping yourself busy makes you not think about (death), and it just makes you more depressed, and you need to think about it more.

"So now we're just a family of four ladies who are having a hard time dealing with the death of our father. But we're all pulling together, and we're all hanging in there, and we have the support of our relatives."

EDITED BY: Marie Eckstein, 14; Lisa Schubert, 13