TEENS TRY TO EXPLAIN HOW AND WHY THEY ATTEMPTED SUICIDE

Two students struggle to describe the feelings of depression and desperation that led them to take a near-fatal step.

Children's Express talked with two kids who have been treated by Dr. Kathleen Miller. Both tried to commit suicide. Brian is 17. Wendy is 18.

Brian's story

"It was probably three years ago. I knew that I didn't feel good, but I really didn't know why. I knew that I needed to get help, but I didn't feel like I could ask my parents.

"I tried to keep (thoughts of depression) inside, but people have told me they kind of knew. I don't think they thought it was that bad or I'm sure they would have said something.

"I think it's almost worse when you find someone like me (an athlete and good student). You think of someone that (tries to) kill himself as having really concrete problems, like their parents beating on them or something. I think a lot of people who are smart and really good (in the things they do) aren't as good inside as you think they are.

"I took an overdose of pills. I got really sick and my mom, she came home and found me. When she came home I was in the bathroom. I just remember her screaming _ not screaming at me.

"Her concern was just to get me care. Then we were going to the hospital. That's all I remember because I got really sick and I was in intensive care for two or three days.

"(The attempt) was really scary because at first I think it started out that I wanted to kill myself. And then I started getting really sick. I realized what was happening. I mean, I really couldn't even move. So then I hoped that someone would find me.

"I was kind of ashamed (when I returned from the mental hospital) because it was kind of a selfish thing to do. People say it's so selfish, but they don't really understand what it's like when you're there. So I was a little bit embarrassed and a little bit ashamed, but not to the point where I would try to hide it.

"People treated me different at first, but not for long. The first day I went back to school, some of my friends were kind of quiet at first. But then toward the end of the day, it was fine.

"I would say I'm probably fully recovered now. I wouldn't say I'm not at risk. It's not like I've never thought about suicide since I've been out of the hospital. But just from my experiences, I'm sure that I wouldn't do it again.

"Stuff doesn't get as far with me as it used to. I can't think of a time since I've been out of the hospital that I've really felt that bad. I can call my doctor any time if I have any trouble, which I haven't had to do.

"I've thought about when I go away to college. But I'm sure if I'm there and there's a problem, I can find someone to talk to. Probably not my doctor, but there's always someone . . . So if it gets that bad, I'm sure I can get hold of someone.

"If it gets bad, I know what I can do. And I know now that it gets better."

Wendy's story

"It was a while ago. I didn't leave any notes . . . I guess basically I got tired of all the pain and confusion that's going on in my mind and I just want to escape from it.

"I didn't know where to go or how to get away from it. (Suicide) seemed to be the only alternative, whether or not it was.

"The first time, I was in the seventh grade or eighth grade. I tried to take aspirin, to overdose on aspirin. I didn't know you couldn't do that.

"The second time . . . I tried to slash my wrists, but it didn't work. The object I used wasn't sharp enough . . . My mom saw (the mark on my arm). She kind of freaked out about it.

"That's probably when the depression was first starting. I was having a lot of problems with school adjusting. I was real insecure about myself, and my family was really fighting.

"My mother and I could never seem to get along. My sister and I were always arguing. One of my dogs had died. Everything was building up inside and I didn't know how to let it go.

"I think that the age period from about 13 to 15 seems to be most vulnerable. You're in a period where your body's going through changes and you're going through high school. Everything's changing when you're going through your teens. Everything is the extreme. Your emotions are so much stronger.

"I didn't think that anybody would be able to relate to the feelings that I was having. I didn't understand exactly what the feelings were and why I was having them. I felt like I was losing my mind, that I was going insane.

"I didn't want to talk to (the psychiatrist) at all. I thought: `What is she going to know about me? She's not going to be able to help me.' I was scared.

"Even though I wanted the help, it's hard to sit down and tell a total stranger about stuff that's been going on in your life and expect them to understand.

"But it does help to talk to somebody. I know that's probably everybody's advice. If you realize that you have a problem and that you need help, that's your first step. . .

"And once you go and get help _ even though it's a hard struggle to get through _ you'll be glad. It doesn't have to be going to a psychiatrist, or a teacher, or a parent, just find somebody to talk to."