CURRENT AGE: 20
WHEN PARENTS DIVORCE, KIDS' PAIN CAN BE LESSENED
Authors hope their tale helps other children
By Rebecca Salois, 16, Y-Press
What makes Zoe and Evan Stern extraordinary isn't that their parents divorced; it's that they wrote a book to help other kids whose parents were divorcing, too.
And that's a big group. According to government statistics, about 1 million children go through their parents' divorce every year.
Zoe was 8 and Evan 6, when their parents split up about 16 years ago. Several years later, the brother-and-sister team was approached by a publisher and editor to write a book about divorce.
They decided, with Mom's help, to tackle the topic. "Divorce is Not the End of the World" was published in 1997 to give kids a coping tool when their parents break up.
Living in Minneapolis, the siblings spoke earlier this year with Y-Press in a phone interview about their book, which is still in print, and their experiences as children of divorce. Zoe, 24, has a degree in family social science and has written several books. She wrote her first book with her mother, Ellen Sue Stern, in 1993: "Questions Kids Wish They Could Ask Their Parents." {mosimage}
The divorce book was Evan's first and only book to date. The 21-year-old is a film major at the University of Minnesota.
Although the writing process was arduous, Evan was motivated to help other kids.
Zoe and Evan looked back at their parents' divorce and offered tips on how parents and kids can ease the process.
Their parents' split was unusual -- Dad moved less than 10 blocks away, and they shared equal custody of the children.
"I think I might've been a little bit naive at my age, because I had come from a divorce that was atypical in that my parents were absolutely communicative with each other, and they did a pretty good job of not putting my sister and me in the middle," said Evan.
Both also credit their grandparents for helping in the transition.
After the divorce, Zoe and Evan's dad went to live with his mother.
"She was just so understanding and so welcoming to him and to us in her home," Zoe said.
During the split, the siblings believe kids can find comfort in sharing their questions and insecure feelings with their parents.
"I think it's easy to think you're gonna get left behind and that they're gonna forget about you, that you're gonna lose all of the rituals and the family memories that you have," Zoe said.
She said that she and her brother were lucky.
"Our parents were so close to each other and did such a good job of talking with us and making the change as easy as possible. We still did all of our family holidays and birthdays and important occasions together as a family," Zoe said.
"So, even though we were living in two different houses, one was Mom and one was Dad, we really still had the feeling that we were one family."
While Zoe and Evan believe their book can help kids cope with divorce, children also need to talk about their doubts and fears with friends and others they trust.
"I think the more that you share your feelings with other people and hear what other people are feeling, the more accepted you feel in your life, the more you're able to understand and have support about what's happening to you," said Zoe.
But as open and communicative as their family was, Zoe and Evan said, the change that comes with divorce is still hard.
"It's basically losing the structure and the understanding of your life as you know it," said Evan. "It's like a lot of emotions at once. It changes your life permanently and that is a hard thing to deal with at a young age or at any age."
When their parents divorce, kids also might question the meaning of love, the siblings noted.
"I think the most difficult part of the divorce was wondering and making sure that your parents still love each other and still love you, even though they're not going to be married anymore," Zoe said.
While some kids look for support outside the home, the siblings found it with each other.
{mosimage}"When our family was splitting up and changing, Evan and I were not changing and were still a united team," Zoe said.
The authors also talked about what parents should avoid doing when they divorce.
One big mistake is the tendency to lavish gifts on children.
Rules in both homes should be consistent, too.
Divorce is complicated further when parents get involved in new relationships. In the Sterns' case, their dad is gay and became involved with another man.
"It is always hard to see your parents with somebody else, because you don't imagine them ever to be with somebody except for the other parent," said Zoe.
But their dad and his partner have been together for 13 years now, and Zoe and Evan feel close to both of them.
Because of their own experiences, Evan and Zoe hope to avoid divorce if they marry someday.
"I think that in a way I'm less likely to get divorced because I've seen divorce up close, firsthand, and it's not something that I want to go through or that I want my children to go through," said Zoe.
ASSISTANT EDITOR: Gabrielle Bibeau, 17.
REPORTERS: Utah Davis-Kinsey, 11; Reginetta White, 12; Julia Moeller, 10.
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It's not the end of the world
Zoe and Evan Stern offer these suggestions for kids whose parents have divorced:
Ask your parents to give you a little more credit and believe that you can handle the facts about the divorce; you're mature enough to handle reality.
If you feel like your mom or dad isn't spending enough time with you, call and make a date for the two of you to do something fun together.
Tell your parents to ask you how you feel, not to tell you how to feel.
When you're mad at a parent, write a letter to explain your feelings and get your anger out.
When planning a party where both parents want to be, host it in a public place where they're less likely to fight.
If you're worried about telling some of your friends about the divorce, e-mail them so you don't have to say it to their faces.
Write down your feelings in a journal.
Go ahead and feel sorry for yourself for a while. Eventually, you'll get sick of it and go on with your life.
It's OK to have fantasies that your parents will get back together, but realize it's unlikely to happen.
If you're scared to get into a relationship, learn from your parents' mistakes. Talk to older teens and adults whose relationships have lasted.
Remember that good things come with a divorce, such as knowing that your parents are happier.
From "Divorce is Not the End of the World," by Zoe, Evan and Ellen Sue Stern. Published by Tricycle Press, $8.95 (1997).
Copyright 2006 Y-Press